[Free City] Chamber of Commerce
NOTE: The opinions and commentary expressed in this essay are those of the author and are an exercise of free speech. They do not necessarily represent the views of Free State Project Inc., its Directors, its Officers, or its Participants.
[Free City] Chamber of Commerce Press Releaseby Brian Heyer
For immediate release
May 30, 20XX
(Business Wire) FREE CITY, FREE STATE - "The Chamber of Commerce of [Free City, Free State] strongly disagrees with the tone and content of the recent news reports," said Chamber spokesman Armhold Gray.
"There has not, I repeat, HAS NOT been an increase in accidental deaths since the fire and rescue departments were competitively outsourced, as was erroneously reported. Those news organizations should stop gulping down the pabulum from lazy ex-county workers," said Gray. "In fact, costs to consumers in need has dropped in half and service have improved now that there are four competing fire and rescue companies, each of whom now accept major credit cards.
"In general, business is booming in [Free City] since taxes and bureaucratic burdens were abolished last year. Companies and entrepreneurs are responding well to our national "WE CUT THE CRAP" campaign. Just look at all the construction of new and expanding factories and office complexes. It is unfortunate for the citizens of neighboring Sluggardville that their Common Council is tightening business restrictions and raising taxes again. We appreciate the efforts of their best and brightest to relocate here in [Free City]," said Gray.
"We disagree with the media contention there is no government in [Free City.] It does have a part-time mayor and a three-member council. In fact I personally attended their quarterly meeting at Denny's last night. Until the [Free State] legislature removes the statute requiring a mayor and council, we'll have one. Since we have no tax structure, though his duties are limited to send Thank You cards to new entrepreneurs," said Gray.
"We disagree with the characterization by those sloppy media conglomerates that [Free City] is a refuge for druggies and dopers. Drug use and the crime associated with it is non-existent. Early in the Free State Project, there was considerable attention to open drug opportunities, and admittedly, there were a few ne'er-do-wells that dragged themselves into our community.
"Since [Free County] Sheriff Danneskjöld has committed his deputies to solving property and violent crimes instead of writing traffic tickets and eating donuts, the criminal element is negligible. Those druggies that couldn't keep their jobs either left for a neighboring welfare state, or if they turned to theft, they quickly found themselves up the river. Either way, they were quickly out of this community. Our elected prosecutor handles initiated force offenses quite well enough, thank you.
"It is true that Sheriff has repeatedly refused money from the Federales for "drug enforcement." I would like to remind the press
that balanced reporting should also include discussion of the bribes and threats Sheriff Danneskjöld endured. He released digital audio and video files last month, and we have yet to see substantial coverage of that corruption.
"The housing market is strong here with the daily influx of educated, hard working individuals. Without the permit delays and with the abundance of cheap, immigrant skilled labor, building schedules and costs are reduced by about a third, according to best estimates from local Building Association President d'Aconia. [Free City] itself has no permitting process to control or monitor building or capital spending, so we have to rely on the industrial partners for information," said Gray.
"The media also got it wrong when they said the Sheriff closed the local federal government offices. He merely does not have the funds to send a deputy to accompany their agents on all enforcement actions. We understand that U.S. District Attorney Smails' lawsuit failed against 10th amendment considerations. If they don't have jurisdiction, they don't have jurisdiction. With all due respect we have enough lawyers here, given the few, simple laws in [Free State.] After all, the [Free County] courthouse is only open one weekend per month since we sold the building to the daycare center.
"We are very pleased that [Free State]'s largest hospital has secured the funding to expand yet again. Although the press correctly noted that hospital revenues are down dramatically, it is not because patients are denied service. With the closing of the former University of [old state] Medical School and the influx of medical professionals from across America wanted to practice in our fair state, medical expenses have dropped dramatically with competition, not by denied service. The media AGAIN should quit believing those incompetent former bureaucrats lock, stock and barrel.
"Speaking of barrels, the business community in greater [Free County] welcomes the National Firearm Owners Association convention next month. They should feel right at home given the planned relocation of several major firearm and ammunition manufacturers. This is the natural result of growing numbers of [Free County] residents in the shooting sports.
"I would also like to congratulate the thousands of [Free County] residents who competed at last month's national high-powered rifle competition. My guess is the fact that thousands of residents can shoot dinner plates at a half mile has something to do with the low crime rates.
"In closing I extend my hand in friendship to business leaders across the world. Since schools were privatized two years ago and teachers are paid on commission (per SAT point in one example), we have seen enrollments and test scores skyrocket. An industrious, entrepreneurial, well-education workforce looks forward to working with you.
"Remember that nothing here artificially restrains your business. However, we do not welcome companies that ask for special tax finance districts or industrial revenue bonds. I know it is difficult to shift your frame of thinking but we do not have an onerous tax burden from which you need to seek protection. The purpose of [Free County] is to eliminate local government as your silent business partner that collects 20% of your productivity without contributing any capital. If your business doesn't understand that, it will not succeed here."